Clean Laughs!

(nyuk nyuk nyuk ... lol lol lol)

Crazy Monkey!

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” —Proverb 17:22

 

Only in America


1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 


2. Only in America... are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink. 

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

4. Only in America... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

More (take a breath...)

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

When dog food is new-and-improved tasting, who tests it? 


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called "apartments" when they are all stuck together? 

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


Why do they give us a ticket for talking on our cell phone... when the cops are always talking on their cell phone?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

***rolling on the floor laughing***

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